Why I walked out of 'Prisoners of the Ghostland'

(Photo courtesy of Sundance Film Festival)

The last time I walked out of a movie, I was in "Wild Wild West." When almost an entire half hour passed without a single entertaining moment, I picked up my mostly full popcorn bag, made a beeline to the lobby desk and asked for a refund. Although in fairness, the 1999 steampunk Western had consumed 30 minutes of my life that I as never going to get back, so it wasn't truly a full refund.

In the decades since, I have watched hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of films. And I've probably thought about cutting my losses early no less than 100 times. But no needlessly esoteric, exceedingly tasteless or patently insipid movie had succeeding in pushing me to the point where I decided to get up and leave. That streak ended with the sorta-gory-deadly-dull-genre-confused nonsense 'Prisoners of the Ghostland.'

I could not in good faith "review" this Sundance Film Festival movie after "walking out on it" and not completing it. That would be unfair to the filmmakers and to anyone who could be influenced before deciding to watch 'Ghostland.' I did make it through 65 minutes but I did not watch the final 35 minutes. This post is merely to explain why I walked out of 'Ghostland' and process some thoughts about the weirdo movie's first minutes.

In short: An imprisoned ruthless criminal (Cage) is forced to find the missing niece of a powerful warlord - if he succeeds, he wins his freedom ... but if he fails, bombs will blow off his testicles.

OK, first off: 'Ghostland' isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. That must be stated explicitly and upfront. I've endured much worse. But 'Ghostland' isn't exactly something I would recommend either.

And, if I'm being totally honest, I probably would not have "walked out" of 'Ghostland' if I were sitting in a movie theater in Park City during the Sundance Film Festival. The fact that this year's Sundance festival was completely virtual makes "walking out" as simple as closing a browser window. And the fact that I started watching 'Ghostland' at midnight after watching dozens and dozens of movies just means exhaustion is a factor.

'Ghostland' committed the crime of mind-numbing dullness. If someone had to summarize the first 30 minutes, it would just be: weirdo head honcho forces an expendable badass bank robber to find a girl. That's it. Yet director Sion Sono made rock soup and pulled that one sentence out to cover 30 minutes of movie. It's threadbare and tedious. There's a literally a sequence wherein Cage's character is instructed to leave town and find the missing girl - so he's given a car. He then proceeds to drive the car 100 feet or so - before abandoning it in favor of a bicycle with a basket and bell. "He's so cool" a bystander coos adoringly as Cage peddles out of town .. before one of the warlord's goons drives the car to Cage, who then just ... gets back into the car and drives off. That scene doesn't add to the character or the plot. It's just a stylistic choice.

But 'Ghostland' is just one long stylistic choice. Cage's character has no name - and given Cage is delivering yet another cuckoo performance, the whole character just feels like a sad parody of The Man With No Name. Just because a movie doesn't quite fit into any one particular box doesn't mean it's something innovative - this crime, Western, samurai flick is just an action thriller with an identity crisis.

Ridiculous Cage has spent the last decade trying to out Nicolas Cage himself. And this version of Nicolas Cage barely resembles the soulful actor who starred in 'Adaptation.' But even over-the-top Cage performances have a scale of quality, with manic, unhinged Cage in 'Mandy' is incredible ... and weirdo Cage in 'Ghostland' is just flaccid. He's not even trying anymore.

As childish as it sounds: 'Ghostland' could have used a lot more gore. Gore for the sake of visceral gore is cheap and stupid - but even entertaining and excessive gore would have distracted from the fact that very little happens in 'Ghostland.' Keep in mind, this is a film where Cage holds his own blown-off testicle - and 'Ghostland' could have still yet used even more gore.

There's simply no call for this bloated genre flick to be as long as it is - and 'Ghostland' feels so much longer than its runtime. I honestly thought more than 90 minutes had passed when I finally cut bait on the movie. It's not that it's "bad," it's just that I've seen better batshit-crazy-eyed Cage in better whack-a-doodle bizarre movies that weren't weird for the sake of being weird.

I'll finish 'Ghostland' eventually one day. But I'm going to pound an energy drink or two and start the film just after breakfast - just to ensure I'm alert and awake enough to slog through 'Ghostland.' It's hard to imagine the movie gets better in its final half hour (which includes credits) ... but maybe. I mean, it's totally unlikely, but that's what second viewings are for ....